1. "I was just curious."
What it means to me: "I might or might not sleep with you. I don't know yet, but I probably will anyways. *insert a wants-to-cuddle emoticon here*"
2. "He has a firm grip."
(As an arbitrary thought, not as an opinion.)
What it means to me: "I'm pretty sure he'll be good in bed, but more importantly, I think he might be able to emotionally support me. And that body! Va-va-VOOM!"
3. "I like to go to his place." or "I left my stuff at his place."
What it means to me: You like dropping shit off at my place. It gives you a sense of belonging and a sense of being loved when you can always leave your things behind. It makes it feel like home. You're always welcomed in my home. I've always wanted a dog but my parents wouldn't let me get one.
4. "We need to talk."
What it means to me: Awww shit, what did I do now...
5. "Let's go on a break..."
What it means to me: "I'm contemplating on breaking up with you. (Actually...we have broken up.) But this is my grace period that you're not allowed to sleep with other girls. But I'll probably be seeing other guys mmkay?"
6. "We're good friends!"
What it means to me: "I wouldn't ever sleep with him. Ever. Maybe once when I'm drunk enough to fuck like a monkey and not remember a thing the morning after."
7. "He's a really nice guy."
What it means to me: "He has no other positive attributes worth mentioning immediately. He's probably quite boring and unable to keep up with me in a relationship anyways. I suspect he might be a premature ejaculator."
8. ":)" or ":P" or ":D" or ";)".
What it means to me: Stop fucking using these if you haven't slept with him, it confuses the shit out of our mind's asses.
9. "Stop checking her out!"
(When you're out with him alone.)
What it means to me: "I can check out guys when I'm out with you. But you can't by any means even go as far as to look in the general direction of another female that isn't blatantly less attractive than me and-slash-or fat."
10. "X's boyfriend got her a Y!"
What it means to me: "If you don't buy me a Y by next week, I will go have a threesome with X and her boyfriend."
I'm not gonna lie, I think a lot of them are wrong.
But if it's one thing I've learned from writing these things over and over again, it's that even when I'm wrong, I'm still right.
-vH
