If you're at unease with the use of sexual imagery in writing, then I would suggest you stop reading right now. Okay, you've been warned.
It's been a while *cracks knuckles*, and I just stirred up some crazy ideas on my way home today.
So in my effort to make this world a much better place, I thought of how I could make relationships between individuals better--and then using some sort of a Zerg mentality, improve the world! (Haven't thought that far ahead yet.)
I've come up with a list of ten things that will make every sexual relationship as exciting and stimulating as possible. And I don't mean the following from a sexist point of view, but ladies, you really gotta give in a lot more.
To create a mutually beneficial relationship, there's got to be some give-and-take. Now if you think about it, guys have it pretty bad in a relationship. They have to listen to your constant jabbering, carry your clothes, drive you home after every date, put up with your friends that don't really even like you, and deal with random bar guys that try to hit on you. Those, on top of other things. It really isn't fair unless you do something--a whole lotta somethings--in return, right?
1. Take him GROCERY-shopping. (...Provided that you could do more than just boil water.) Sounds easy enough, right? Most guys are clueless in grocery stores--we just head straight for the canned-foods section or the gumball machine. So if you know what you're doing, show him around. He'll have to learn eventually, and it sure beats learning from his mother. And besides, I'm willing to bet he'd much rather be grocery-shopping than mall-shopping with you. On top of that, it's a valuable relationship-building experience.
2. Wear something sexy once in a while. You don't have to do it every day (and we don't want you to turn into eye-candy for other men when we're not around anyways), but if you're going out in public with him, you'd better at least try to look your best.
You may or may not know this, but when most guys are out with their girlfriends come across another couple, they have the tendency to compare. It's like a mutual 'okay-you-admire-my-hot-girlfriend-and-I-admire-yours' thing, but even then, you want him to look good right? You want him to maliciously promenade around the mall beside you like you were Keira Knightley, right? That makes you feel better too, right? And besides, the smaller his ego is, the shorter his dick will shrink. This has been scientifically proven.
Make 'em go like this.
3. Let him gloat. Men tend to live in figments of their imagination. If he likes to think that his Integra can outrun that Shelby GT in the next lane, don't burst his bubble--just nod and smile. When he loses and says "He got lucky I lost traction," just nod and agree. If he tells you he's been working out, nod and compliment his body, and if he says he plays basketball better than all the guys at the gym, nod and tell him he's the best. When he asks if he's the biggest you've ever slept with, nod and say 'yes'. Don't say "you and I are a perfect fit", or "it's not size that matters", or "it's bigger than the last guy's", SAY 'YES'!
4. Try his most avid sexual fantasy (at least) once--if it's within reach of course. No, this doesn't mean you'll have to dress up like Princess Leia and pretend he's a seven foot tall, two-hundred-and-fifty pound hunchback of Notre Dame then have sex with him. I mean, if he likes tit-jobs, and you fit the job description, give it to him. If he has a thing for role-playing (and I can only imagine what type of kinky things some people must have in mind for role-playing), then try that once for his sake too. If he wants to stick it in the pooper--well that's up to you, you don't have to go that far.
5. Wear his clothes when you sleep over at his place. This is probably the sexiest thing you could slip on. You won't even need to have makeup on the morning after, just slip his tee-shirt or dress-shirt over your head and walk around the house with nothing else but your panties on. It'll make him profoundly happy.
The last time a girl did that for me, I ended up taking her out for a nice lunch. That says a lot, considering that I usually try to get them to pay for me.
Guys go ahead and tell me this isn't the sexiest thing she could do with your shirt.
6. Say something really kinky during sex. And I mean, REALLY kinky. He'll love it, and it's like a pit stop; he'll come back with an even bigger bang. If he has a thing for interracial dating, you could try moaning in another language (lol). Hell, you could make up some random shit and it won't matter; as long as we haven't heard it on Naughty America, it'll sound kinky. You can say you want to have a threesome with a donkey and a Mongol and he'll get off to it.
...Upon reflection, you could probably say something he's heard in a porno before. Don't know about the rest of the guys, but I get a huge jolly when she tells me where to shoot it. I don't even care where. She could tell me to shoot it at her cat and I'd have fun with it.
7. Cook him a steak and give him a blow job. All in one night. I'm fucking serious about this. Now the ladies might be thinking that this whole deal with this "Steak-and-Blowjob-Day" thing was probably invented by some sexist asshole, to stereotype and discriminate women--which is probably true. But then some crazy man-pleaser went ahead with it, and I think it might just have revolutionized dating relationship and sex as we know it. It's difficult for anything with a vagina to understand, but in honesty, we can't blame you because we have a hard time putting it into words too, so we just say 'steak and bj'.
8. Put on a condom for him. Sounds gross, doesn't it? Well, not really. It's a male ego thing, as far as I could tell, but it's really not that bad. In my opinion, it's a win-win situation. First of all, while you make him feel like a more muscular, attractive version of Ron Jeremy, you wouldn't have to worry about whether or not he's wearing protection, because you made sure that necessity-of-an-invention was secured on tightly. Secondly, he's going to be breaking his back (and his dick) to try and please you for the next half an hour or more, so the least you could do is put on a condom for him. Fair, right?
Of all the historical figures they could have named a line of condoms after, Durex chose the Peter North of Ancient Egypt. Werd.
9. At this point, you're probably wondering why men are so 'difficult' to please sexually. Don't bother. Besides, if and when you break up, you at least want him to remember you for the good sex, right?
At some point in your relationship, give him a blow-job in his car. Not while he's driving of course. You might make him crash and then you might accidentally bite his dick off. That wouldn't be good. But really, he picks you up before each date and he drops you off after each date--and most of the time all he gets is a kiss goodnight. If he's really lucky, he might get to go inside, or you guys might have some sweaty sex in the car, but in retrospect, that doesn't happen on a daily basis. But you COULD give him a blow-job before you head into the house--I mean, you're already home, the mouthwash is like 100 steps away.
Sometimes, you just have to go chemical.
10. SPITTERS ARE QUITTERS! No, I'm just kidding. I don't really care what you do with it once I've drained my pipes. What I meant to say was, most guys don't appreciate it when you try to shove your tongue down their throat like a Headcrab after a blow-job--particularly right after he blew his load. Of course, most guys wouldn't go out of their way to tell it to you and spoil your cuddle-time, but to be considerate, keep a bottle of Listerine handy if you decide to go down on him then make out with him.
Yeah, so a lot of these things are sexual. We're men, did you expect it being as easy as taking us out for dinner and buying us a new pair of shoes?
These things made me profoundly happy as a man. When she wasn't stroking my peen-peen, she was stroking my giant foot-long ego. These are the two things that make men happy.
Go and give it a try, who knows, he might finally buy you that brand-name handbag you wanted.
-vH
