I Love Puppies, Scammers & Shit like that.

Forenote: If you like to bring that PETA bullshit into any matter involving the consumption of animals, suck my dick and read this twice. If not, I do not particularly enjoy oral sex from an individual I am not familiar with.


Basically I've run out of things to write about.
I think my inner Buddhist is beginning to develop because nothing really grinds my shit any more. Maybe I can use this opportunity to convince my parents that I have finally seen the light and get them to buy me a ticket to Europe next summer.

Anyways, a few evenings ago, I saw some spam advertisement by an Egyptian company called "Legit Sales" (don't be a wimp, it's completely legit), selling puppies on various boards, so I decided to take them up on their offer and e-mailed them.
Granted, I don't know shit about purebreds, so I asked John if purebred canines were his expertise and he replies me the next day:

From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 4:26:45 AM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

yes we are selling all kind of puppy you interested to buy which of the puppy do you want to buy? do reply back now so i can let you know more information and how to buy them




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Dear John,

I am interested in buying any of the puppies you have listed in your ad. Price is no objective as long as they taste good.
So far I have consumed seven stray dogs that have wandered into my barn, one baby German Shepherd that my neighbor Edna gave away for free, and an nine year old Doberman (which admittedly, didn't taste so good), and I was wondering which of the puppies you have listed would provide me with the richest culinary experience when pan roasted.
Please do reply me as soon as possible, I plan to keep this as a surprise Valentine's Day dinner for my wife...she has never had an exotic purebred before!

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 3:47:43 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Hello
here are the puppies we have now and the prices

Chihuahua Female (12 weeks) ..$450
Shih Tzu Female (14 Weeks)...$200
Bull Terrier Male (4 Weeks) $500
Lhasa Apso Male (11 Weeks)......$200
Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450
Anatolian Shepherd Female (5 Months) $400
American Eskimo Dog Female (12 Days) $300



which of this do you want

let me know so i can tell you more about them and how to buy it




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Dear John,

As I have mentioned, I am interested in buying whichever puppy that would provide me with the most delicate culinary experience.
I have heard that Eskimo dogs and in particular female Lhasa Apsos are rather delicate in texture, which one would you recommend for a more savory dinner?

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 4:43:38 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female


Breed: .....Chihuahua

Sex: .....Female

Birthdate: ....08-15-2009 (5 weeks)

Price....$500

Shipping area: Worldwide

What's included: Registered/registerable (AKC, NKC, etc.), Current vaccinations, Veterinarian examination, Health certificate, Health guarante

Additional information:

Can you say darling! This little aussiedoodle girl
has lots of white and blue eyes. She is very
pretty and very outgoing. She is affectionate
and pre spoiled. She loves kids, other dogs and
even the cat!



it a very nice one i can also recormed for you


do you like it?

where are you located

do you have yahoo or mes messenger to chat for easy communication




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Dear John,

Would she taste good if I season her with summer savory, rosemary and a little paprika and bake it at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for an hour and a half?

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 6:28:19 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

yes nothing will happen to them in that season




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Dear John,

I am confused at your reply; are you implying that if I were to prepare them with the aforementioned seasonings, the end result will be a tender, generally seasoned and hearty meal?
At any rate, I am inclined to believe that any of the these purebreds will taste better than the stray dog I had last night. I believe he strayed into my barn from Old Sam's barn a couple miles down the road, because the taste wasn't particularly enjoyable and everybody knows Old Sam likes to feed his dogs dried crickets and dilled marshmallows. Just last month in fact, I saw Old Sam flipping over rocks in the old meadow just outside of town hunting for crickets, and when I asked him what he was doing he offered me a sample of his home-pickled crickets. Oddly enough I took up on his offer and tried one of his pickled crickets, and half an hour later I found myself at home listening to the live version of Thank God It's Christmas by Queen while discussing with my wife the merits of sacrificing a goat for a better autumn harvest.

At any rate, I would like to purchase your chihuahua for $500, how would you like to receive your payment?

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 9:03:18 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Ok if you are interested to buy the chihuahua for $500 i can ship direct to your door step through our private shiping Agent or Fedex shipping company

but am asking where are you located you never answer me why?

am from Cairo Egypt can you come over for pick up or you want me to ship to you

we need to confirm 50% upfront payment via western union money transfer ok

so if you ready to buy the chihuahua send us your full shipping details so we can proceed your order




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female
Dear John,

I currently have no money, but I will be in Cairo from the 28th to the 5th, do you accept erotic services as a form of payment?
I am experienced in the field and offer a variety of services, including massages with happy endings.
Please let me know.

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 10:26:12 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

???

You're probably thinking I have waaaaay too much time on my hands,
and you're probably right.



-vH

Why I want to be a Drug Dealer.

Once upon a time when I was too lazy to daydream that afternoon, I thought about why drug dealers always get the bad rap. Then I told my mom that I wanted to become a drug dealer. It is to me quite strange that I am the only one who seems to think that a profession providing things that make people happy or ecstatic or both would be one the most satisfying professions on this planet. If sales are good I might even consider converting my closet into a full time opium lab. I later found my mom looking for Nyquil at 2:37 in the morning, but all should go well if I could convince my ma it's a science fair project that I beat up the 6th grade kid up the block for.

Here is a list of the other careers I would be interested in:

A Food Critic
Doing nothing and bossing people around me to make me free food because my opinion means something sounds like something I would enjoy doing. And then when I did my research I found out the average food critic earns $68,000 USD a year. Doing nothing and bossing people around me to make me free food because my opinion means something earning $68,000 USD a year sounds like something I would enjoy doing.

A Sync. Diving Judge for the Olympics
Because I like to give people bad feedback for no reason, this would be an ideal profession for me. I would simply give every diver a 6.9 because it is the number that most closely resembles 69 except it looks like '9' had a little accident, and when asked why, I will say that the toenails of one diver is longer than the other's.

A Pornstar.
It is not gross. It is getting paid to do something pleasurable. Granted, I would probably have to shave my pubic hair bi-weekly to keep my crabs under control, but that is a small price to pay to be able to hand out business cards in the shape of my genitalia.

An Airport Luggage Inspector.
There is little more satisfying than being authorized to destroy somebody's luggage because you don't like the way he looks or dresses. Of course I'm alluding to subtle racism, but what isn't nowadays?

A Call Operator for Koodo Mobile.
This would give me a lot of free time as nobody uses this piece of shit.
Or it would give me a really hard time from all the stupid people using this piece of shit.

A Boss.
Once when I suffered a 48-hour concussion from riding my head into a limped street lamp, I had a dream that I worked a nine to five office job for a pharmaceutical lab doing pharmaceutical stuff to radioactive monkeys. Every morning I would wake up exactly twenty six minutes before I needed to be at work and walk in exactly twelve minutes late into work. I would then proceed to surf the internet for lesbian porn, minimizing my browsing window to the bottom quarter of my computer screen so that nobody would catch me looking at porn as the window is too small to be seen by anybody but me.
If I were the boss this would make the task much easier. In fact, I am much more qualified for his job than he is. To my understanding, his job description consists of pretending to make important phone calls, downloading pornography and distributing blame, all of which things I have years of experience doing. I would also convert my office according to Thai Feng-Shui and probably do drugs, which makes me a more productive boss than he is.

A Hot Dog Vendor
As I get hungry on the job easily, I could simply open the cart and make myself a hot dog. And when bypassers bypass by, they will see me eating my own hot dogs and think 'wow he is eating his own hot dogs, it must be good!' and then there would be no way they would bypass a hot dog from my hot dog cart.

A Journalist.
Then I can write about the types of professions I would rather to be in.





-vH