Fanny's Guide to Flying.
Hello, my name is Fanny and I love to fly. As my entire family died of terminal illnesses and I have no one to really love me, I choose to spend my life travelling from place to place and making many friends 25,000 feet in the air.
Some things I love about flying:
-Cotton slippers: they are so comfy and they fit so nicely around my size 9.5 feet that I ask for eight extra pairs on each flight so I could wear them at home, in my bathroom, out on the patio and around the park.
-Airplane food: some people may find airplane food truly revolting to eat but I find them remarkably refreshing. Where else can you find canned and processed food combined with such delicacy? I especially like their breakfast options, which usually includes a three inch piece of month old sausage, liquid eggs mixed with some unidentifiable green substances then microwaved to perfection. Sometimes if the airline is feeling particularly friendly you can also find a nicely ripened piece of cherry tomato stuck to the side of the egg. The entree is usually complimented by some Yoplait blueberry yogurt but I hate that generic stuff--instead I prefer the canned fruits such as a big fat slice of peach with some rock hard cantaloupe. For an added cost of $48.95 CDN you can upgrade to the Gourmet Diet package where they will throw in a piece of chocolate cake from 7-Eleven.
-The Lavatory: I particularly enjoy using the washrooms during my flights. The official term for their foot-wide closet plastered with cheap perfume, toilet soap and a faucet that often does not even work is "The Lavatory", so every time you step inside you can feel important. On longer flights there is often a lineup, with each person taking longer in the lavatory than the last, but it only builds up the anticipation to what kind of delightful surprises you might find inside once it is your turn.
Some fun facts about flying:
-You do not get water-breath beyond an altitude of 20,000 feet.
-Indian stewardesses fluff pillows better than non-Indian stewardesses.
-Fecal matter and related wastes are fed to the engines of an aircraft as bio-fuel upon flushing.
Some people may think that flights are long and unbearable experiences, but with a little effort and my simple step by step guide, you can ensure that it will be an excruciating process.
Step 1
Upon boarding the airplane, be sure to safely put away and secure all three hand carried luggage bags promptly. It is completely acceptable and proper boarding etiquette to move the belongings of others to another overhead compartment so you can make space for your own. Ask the person next to you if they want to switch seats with you, and if they disagree, tell them that you will share your breakfast burrito with them later. Your most personal belongings, such as your tampons, your personal pillow, and your 900 watt glow in the dark watch should be in one bag which will go under your feet. Deodorant is overrated and should never be brought on to an aircraft.
Step 2
The first thing you should always worry about is your own comfort. Once you've slipped out of your shoes and day-old socks, be sure to put your feet up on the nearest armrest. Other people might think you are insensitive if you do this, so make sure you wipe between your toes with your blanket first and put on cotton slippers. Ring the assistance bell as many times as necessary before the flight takes off because once everybody is seated, the stewardesses will become lazy and tend to their own business.
Step 3
Scientific research has proven that retaining coughs, from sneezing, and/or retaining gases in the body is harmful. Which is why if you wish to have an enjoyable trip you should cough often and as loudly as you can. You should always cough or sneeze in the opposite direction of others, so your best bet would be just to aim at the windows. In the case that you want to release some gas, be sure to put on your headphones and play some music loudly--if you synchronize your farts with whatever is playing in the microphone, nobody will be able to hear a thing.
Step 4
Because sitting down for prolonged periods of time is harmful for the body and causes stress to accumulate in your neck and lower back, you must remember to exercise often. If you have an aisle seat, make sure you bend over several times, holding on to the armrest of the person sitting on the other side of the aisle--this will allow you to release some stress in your lower back, whilst at the same time demonstrate your excellent form to the person behind you. You will not need to worry about invading others' privacy, as they will begin understand the nature of your exercise when you begin doing Hindu squats.
Step 5
When your food arrives, ask what took them so long. When they ask whether you want the pork or the beef option, tell them that you are both a Jew and a Hindu, and ask them if they have chicken. Upon opening your microwaved chicken pasta is also a good time to pass some gas, but be sure to let the scent of the food marinate in the air prior to cutting the cheese. Eating your food loudly and asking for seconds is a good way to let the airline know that you appreciate their selection of eats.
Step 6
Recline your seat back as far as it will go. Be sure to leave your light on after the cabin lights have been dimmed in case you need to change tampons or grab your 900 watt glow in the dark watch. Put your feet up on the armrest of the person in front of you. Be sure to stretch thoroughly, including your toes before you sleep, otherwise you will have frequent cramps, causing you to toss and turn on the person next to you.
Step 7
Upon arrival at the airport, start packing up your stuff before the plane stops moving, disregarding all announcements on the intercom to remain seated until the plane comes to a complete stop. This way, when it is time to get off the plane, you can be ready to get off before the elderly and the disabled, because you've had a long flight and it is what you deserve.
-vH
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