Capitalism: A Political Exposé of Feminist Issues

EDIT: I just noticed the dozens of grammatical errors, but can't be bothered to edit them. Deal with it.

I figured it's been a long while since I've published anything here, so here's a paper I wrote for a feminist philosophy class. I took it as an elective, figuring it'd probably give me some insights as to how feminism fits into the North American system.

All in all, it was a decent course. I went in with a lot of predispositions, feminism being a relatively undeveloped stream of philosophy and all. But some theories proposed are quite interesting to look at from a humanitarian perspective, not to mention it's pretty easy marks.

This paper was written on an original topic (all of the other topics required me to read some other stuff outside of class, no thanks), entitled "Capitalism: A Political Exposé of Feminist Issues".

Feminism, in its broadest sense, is a catalyst for social change and for egalitarianism. While this encompasses a myriad of interests departing from a number of theories, dominance theories in feminist philosophy provide perspectives on social inequality ways that sameness and difference theories do not address. It forces the examination of the effects of social hierarchies rather than simply speculating the reasons as to how and why social hierarchies occur. In departing from purely philosophical bends on reality and focusing on the certainties, the course of action taking becomes more apparent. This is why by taking the dominance approach, feminists can advance more decisively toward true egalitarianism, and dismantle capitalism and patriarchy. Feminists such Catherine MacKinnon and Marilyn Frye have provided much insights in their own accounts the degenerative effects of social hierarchies upon humanity. These scholars haven’t however, suggested a definitive solution to the types of oppression they write about. Therefore in this paper, I will provide a political exposé of feminist issues, while attempting to construct a plausible course of action for the ultimate reform of America’s current capitalist society, to be replaced by an ideal, feminist egalitarian society. While perhaps my account and proposals may not be as prominent or as explicative as the above noted philosophers, it is nonetheless certain that in order for an egalitarian society to emerge, current cultural dispositions must be reformed, and capitalism in its entirety must be eliminated, because the very nature of capitalism is undemocratic and oppressive. Note that for the purposes of this paper, capitalism will be used to address not only its economic attributes, but its political and social nature as well. I propose the theoretical emphasis of such a reform be based on three attributes of America in which many, if not all types of oppression occur: the American constitution, capitalism and American economic imperialism, and finally the American government. The scopes of such oppressions occur ranging from domestic issues to economic imperialism and transnational disputes, and affects any or all of the so-called “oppressed groups” in one way or another.

In order for egalitarianism to emerge in an otherwise capitalist dominant regime, the pretense that a top-down approach is required must be established. That is to say, the course of action has to be swift and radical with revolutionary tendencies, such as ones proposed by more radical versions of dominance feminism; any other approach would be insufficient in deconstructing capitalist ideals. This is due to a number of reasons. First, while more conservative and democratic bottom-up approaches provided by sameness and difference theories have been successful in relative ground-breaking changes for feminists, the quest towards egalitarianism from capitalism occurs at a very steep curve. When equality is achieved by using sameness and difference approaches, not only is it generally a question of creating or removing difference (MacKinnon, 1987), it is also generally a movement of public compromise within a system; such as movements for suffrage or for equality in working conditions, where one party compromises for the difference of rights for others or for oneself. While there is nothing wrong with compromising the situation, in reality, many of these accommodations have been different in practice than in theory. Young’s (1990) theory of oppression would propose that many of these types of said reformations would only address one of the many faces of oppression while excluding some others completely. Furthermore, a second reason will propose that compromising a situation is not the same as compromising oneself in a situation: capitalism in nature tends to assimilate any and all kinds of changes via commercialism and consumerism (Greene, 2008), and therefore easily oppresses any approach not radical enough. A sense of this could be achieved when returning to an issue of bell hooks’ paper discussing male feminists’ lack of enhancement in their quality of life when attempting to make progressive changes (hooks, 1993). In this excerpt of hooks’ work, it is shown that even when peaceful progressive changes are being made by feminists, the very overarching presence of capitalism attempts to label and sell feminism as a product for social change. As a result, young men wishing to become good feminists such as those interviewed by hooks, are in reality compromising the act of being a feminist by meeting feminist standards and promises set by the pre-existing capitalist culture. Thirdly, in trying to work within the system to achieve egalitarianism, MacKinnon would propose that social change should not be a struggle for power, but be “challenge [to] change” (MacKinnon, 1987, p.251). Capitalism, because it predates and dominates feminism in America, and because of its power-relations nature, would set the overarching precedence for any social change as a struggle for power. Instead, a dominance theorist would propose that a political reform should be driven by love for egalitarianism, and not animosity towards capitalist power struggles. This is why a reform for egalitarianism should not be conservative and from within, but instead be radical. For the abovementioned reasons and more, it is clear to see why a radical dominance approach is needed for a revolution against capitalism.

So, with this antecedent in mind, I propose that the first step to the revolution against capitalism would be to attack the very foundations of the America: its constitution. Only by uprooting the foundations of the issues could feminists replace America’s current biased culture. I understand that constitutions by its exalted nature are considered in many nations as their “economy, households, religions, education, manners, and arts—[in addition to] the organization of government” (Sheldon, 2008, p.1130); essentially, the constitution is the symbolic fundamentals of a nation. Therefore, I am not necessarily proposing that the American constitution in its entirety should be revised. However, the symbolic attributes of the American constitution must be redefined. As attributed by American president Calvin Coolidge (1923-29), Americans consider living “under the American Constitution . . . the greatest political privilege . . . ever accorded to the human race”. This self-evident biased notion of America’s greatness has transcended through time to be seen even today: President Barack Obama in 2009 addressed that “the values and ideas in [the constitution] are not simply words written into ageing parchment; they are the bedrock of [American] liberty [and] security” (MSNBC, 2009). Egalitarianism cannot exist within a nation whose very constitution feeds the attitude to its culture that relative to America’s emphasized greatness, there exist lesser people outside of the United States. This is because America is also has a culture created by minorities consisting of African Americans, Latino Americans, in its patriarchal nature, women, and more. And by feeding this notion of superiority to its culture, these minorities are forced to look upon themselves through condescending eyes. This is exactly what Collins would attribute as the “ideological dimension of . . . oppression” (Collins, 2000, p.53). The ideologically assumed qualities of inferiority by American standards present to any American individual justification for the continued discriminatory oppression of said minorities, and to a large extent, even towards oneself.

As much as racism is an issue that bleeds the social systems of America, classism is an even more paramount issue of concern. In departing slightly from the domestic social issues of America, I propose that the second step in the revolution for egalitarianism should focus on the diminishment of capitalism and economic imperialism. This is a fundamental procedure for political and cultural egalitarianism that few feminists would argue against. The issue of focus here is how and why capitalism uses American politics oppress the social system. If the reformation of the domestic issues of America focuses on the cultural gentrification of minorities such as Latin Americans, it is then important to note that most Latinos exist in America due to the great inflation caused by American companies operating in Latin America. As observed by economists as early on as the 1990’s, this problematic issue becomes even more disturbing: incoming American investments to stimulate Latin American economies for the benefit of the United States are often not invested in productive activity, but instead “squandered in ostentatious consumption by the moneyed classes” (Silverstein, 1992, p.768); mounting increasing trade deficits and debts which translates to a “vast transfer of wealth [and] population northward” (Silverstein, 1992, p. 768). The economic dominance of America over Latin American states, through the systemic use of plutocratic imperialism, furthermore reinforces the essentialist notion of American superiority over lesser, non-Americans who are essentially third-world, poverty stricken, and cannot afford to feed their starving. In actuality, third world countries such as Ecuador or Peru are abundant in resources and have the capacity to feed their own, but the exploitation of these resources by the capitalist plutocracy of America has, in Gelos’ (2009) research, led to higher interest rates, less efficient banks, and larger economic reserve requirements in Latin America. As much as oppression of races and ethnicities is a problem in America, discrimination of wealth and status is the real underlying issue when confronting capitalism for social change. This is because capitalism is a top-down regime in which the rich exploit the poor. In this paradigm, racism is but a byproduct of classism, because the oppressor in capitalism is not the man seen with actively racist qualities, but the men that aren’t seen—the corporate monopoly owners and the politicians, who ultimately are responsible of the creation of this type of oppression. In replacing capitalism, there is no need to break new grounds, as many works of feminist economics have already been proposed. In its nature, feminist economics (Ferber, 2003) would attempt to limit or eliminate economic oppression in the ubiquity of self-interest, the primacy of cooperation over competition, and primacy of efficiency versus equity.

            Only in successfully dealing with capitalism could the third step of governmental reform occur. The repressive measures which the current American government takes have been reinforced throughout a century of placing statutory laws and capitalist ideals in the “most brazen zenith” (Goldman, 1917). In other words, capitalism has changed the traditional ways of governing in the United States. The fundamentals of American governing can be traced back in its cultural history. To get a grasp of this from the perspective of feminism, we can return to Paula Gunn Allen’s paper discussing the roots of American governing; she argues that United States has “derived its wealth, its values, its food. . . [and so on] from Native America” (Allen, 1992, p.193). Allen was not the only one to have made this observation: many political thinkers have also argued that the Iroquois League provided the model for the American government and constitution, as well as the ideas embodied within them. For instance, the idea of the confederation of states ruled by a central federal government has been argued by scholars as primarily a product of the Iroquois League. Morgan (1851) observed, even before the initial founding of the Confederate States of America, that the government of the Iroquois League was vested in a council of chiefs “distinguish[ed] from other kinds of chiefs”, by the “right to sit in the League of council”, and each from a “particular clan in a particular tribe” (Morgan, 1851, p.177-190). Morgan and his peers’ observations would in less than two decades, become the structural foundation of the American confederation. Unfortunately, according to Allen, the current oppressive nature of governing is due to the “loss of memory” (Allen, 1992, p.195) of such foundations. That is to say, the “formation of the United States was influenced by Iroquois political and philosophical traditions . . . [that have] been forgotten” (Grinde, 1977, p.133). The politics and governing of America has traditionally been based on its constitution and on its confederation, which in themselves were not meant to be oppressive, but instead liberal and democratic. The creation of capitalism however, has since then distorted the traditional systems. Thus is why the elimination of capitalism takes precedence over the issues of American governments in my proposed reformation. It is only after the corruptive power nature of capitalism has been lifted can a social democracy be established.

            Culture and social systems in America are defined by its governing. The government is bound by its constitution, which has increasingly been a subordinate of capitalist ideals. Not by coincidence, capitalism is also of system of classes with top-down dominance, in which all forms of governing, economics and social issues are passed down from the wealthy. As different as we have been taught by capitalist dominance to look at one another, the truth remains that capitalism is still the oppressor. Capitalism gives birth to the ignorant notion that exploitation through political means allows Americans to have material things and the best possible basic standards of living, and therefore is justifiable. In this system however, it is the business giants and the capitalist-funded governments who define the extent of material necessities and the standards of living; and a few successful women, Latino Americans, African Americans, or any other so-called oppressed groups, do not define a type of achievement for their group or for the general public. So in conclusion, as long as capitalism persists in America, any attempts at peaceful, bottom-up approaches towards social change will simply be a fight for the scraps from the table of oppressive rich white men. A radical movement with revolutionary tendencies is needed for the destruction of capitalism and the advancement to an egalitarian era.

Reference List:

Allen, P. G. (1992). Who Is Your Mother? Red Roots of White Feminism. In Hackett, E. & Haslanger, S. (Eds.), Theorizing Feminisms | A Reader. (pp. 192-200). New York: Oxford University Press.

Collins, P. H. (2000). The Politics of Black Feminist Thought. In Hackett, E. & Haslanger, S. (Eds.), Theorizing Feminisms | A Reader. (pp. 51-61). New York: Oxford University Press.

Ferber, M. A. & Nelson, J. A. (2003). Feminist Economics Today: Beyond Economic Man. Chicago: The University of Chicago Press.

Gelos, R. G. (2009). Economic Inquiry. Banking Spreads in Latin America. (Vol. 47. Issue 4. pp 796-814). Retrieved from: http://web.ebscohost.com.proxy.lib.sfu.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=2&hid=17&sid=7fc2d414-5242-46bb-be0b-d05bcb3ecabe%40sessionmgr11

Goldman, E. (1917). Anarchism: What It Really Stands For. In Anarchism and Other Essays. (3^rd Revised Edition). New York: Mother Earth Publishing Association.

Greene, T. W. (2008). Critical Sociology (Sage Publications, Ltd.). Three Ideologies of Individualism: Towards Assimilating a Theory of Individualisms and their Consequences. Retrieved from: http://crs.sagepub.com.proxy.lib.sfu.ca/content/34/1/117.full.pdf+html

Grinde, D. A. Jr. (1977). The Iroquois and the Founding of the American Nation. San Francisco: Indian Historian Press.

Hooks, B. (1993) Seduced by Violence No More. In Hackett, E. & Haslanger, S. (Eds.), Theorizing Feminisms | A Reader. (pp. 333-335). New York: Oxford University Press.

MacKinnon, C. (1987). Difference and Dominance: On Sex Discrimination. In Hackett, E. & Haslanger, S. (Eds.), Theorizing Feminisms | A Reader. (pp. 244-255). New York: Oxford University Press.

Morgan, L. H. (1851). The League of the Ho-de-no-sau-nee, or Iroquois. New York: Sage and Brother.

NBC News and msnbc.com. (2009, May 22). Barack Obama’s Naval Academy address | Transcript of the president’s May 22 speech as prepared for delivery. Retrieved from: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30886701/

Sheldon, G. W. (2008). Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy. Constituting the Constitution: Understanding the American Constitution Through the British Cultural Constitution. (Vol. 31. Issue 3. pp 1129-1137). Retrieved from: http://web.ebscohost.com.proxy.lib.sfu.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=2&hid=8&sid=54ffda98-77bd-4a45-8f93-a09a05ef2cec%40sessionmgr4

Silverstein, K. (1992, December 21). Marketing Misery In Latin America. Retrieved from: http://web.ebscohost.com.proxy.lib.sfu.ca/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=2&hid=17&sid=9e10c3eb-70e7-4e61-8d81-aeabcf7faba9%40sessionmgr15

Young, I. M. (1990). Five Faces of Oppression. In Hackett, E. & Haslanger, S. (Eds.), Theorizing Feminisms | A Reader. (pp. 3-16). New York: Oxford University Press.

As you could probably tell, what I usually do with term papers in the arts department is I fill up the word count with complete bullshit I make up, and then fill them in with academic sources lol


-vH

Fanny's Guide to Flying.

Few things in this world irritate me more than having a bad flying partner. Recently I met the most charming woman on a flight back to Vancouver. In my meticulous attention to detail, I have decided to name her Fanny, but mostly just due to the size of her endowment.

Fanny's Guide to Flying.

Hello, my name is Fanny and I love to fly. As my entire family died of terminal illnesses and I have no one to really love me, I choose to spend my life travelling from place to place and making many friends 25,000 feet in the air.

Some things I love about flying:
-Cotton slippers: they are so comfy and they fit so nicely around my size 9.5 feet that I ask for eight extra pairs on each flight so I could wear them at home, in my bathroom, out on the patio and around the park.

-Airplane food: some people may find airplane food truly revolting to eat but I find them remarkably refreshing. Where else can you find canned and processed food combined with such delicacy? I especially like their breakfast options, which usually includes a three inch piece of month old sausage, liquid eggs mixed with some unidentifiable green substances then microwaved to perfection. Sometimes if the airline is feeling particularly friendly you can also find a nicely ripened piece of cherry tomato stuck to the side of the egg. The entree is usually complimented by some Yoplait blueberry yogurt but I hate that generic stuff--instead I prefer the canned fruits such as a big fat slice of peach with some rock hard cantaloupe. For an added cost of $48.95 CDN you can upgrade to the Gourmet Diet package where they will throw in a piece of chocolate cake from 7-Eleven.

-The Lavatory: I particularly enjoy using the washrooms during my flights. The official term for their foot-wide closet plastered with cheap perfume, toilet soap and a faucet that often does not even work is "The Lavatory", so every time you step inside you can feel important. On longer flights there is often a lineup, with each person taking longer in the lavatory than the last, but it only builds up the anticipation to what kind of delightful surprises you might find inside once it is your turn.


Some fun facts about flying:
-You do not get water-breath beyond an altitude of 20,000 feet.
-Indian stewardesses fluff pillows better than non-Indian stewardesses.
-Fecal matter and related wastes are fed to the engines of an aircraft as bio-fuel upon flushing.


Some people may think that flights are long and unbearable experiences, but with a little effort and my simple step by step guide, you can ensure that it will be an excruciating process.

Step 1
Upon boarding the airplane, be sure to safely put away and secure all three hand carried luggage bags promptly. It is completely acceptable and proper boarding etiquette to move the belongings of others to another overhead compartment so you can make space for your own. Ask the person next to you if they want to switch seats with you, and if they disagree, tell them that you will share your breakfast burrito with them later. Your most personal belongings, such as your tampons, your personal pillow, and your 900 watt glow in the dark watch should be in one bag which will go under your feet. Deodorant is overrated and should never be brought on to an aircraft.

Step 2
The first thing you should always worry about is your own comfort. Once you've slipped out of your shoes and day-old socks, be sure to put your feet up on the nearest armrest. Other people might think you are insensitive if you do this, so make sure you wipe between your toes with your blanket first and put on cotton slippers. Ring the assistance bell as many times as necessary before the flight takes off because once everybody is seated, the stewardesses will become lazy and tend to their own business.

Step 3
Scientific research has proven that retaining coughs, from sneezing, and/or retaining gases in the body is harmful. Which is why if you wish to have an enjoyable trip you should cough often and as loudly as you can. You should always cough or sneeze in the opposite direction of others, so your best bet would be just to aim at the windows. In the case that you want to release some gas, be sure to put on your headphones and play some music loudly--if you synchronize your farts with whatever is playing in the microphone, nobody will be able to hear a thing.

Step 4
Because sitting down for prolonged periods of time is harmful for the body and causes stress to accumulate in your neck and lower back, you must remember to exercise often. If you have an aisle seat, make sure you bend over several times, holding on to the armrest of the person sitting on the other side of the aisle--this will allow you to release some stress in your lower back, whilst at the same time demonstrate your excellent form to the person behind you. You will not need to worry about invading others' privacy, as they will begin understand the nature of your exercise when you begin doing Hindu squats.

Step 5
When your food arrives, ask what took them so long. When they ask whether you want the pork or the beef option, tell them that you are both a Jew and a Hindu, and ask them if they have chicken. Upon opening your microwaved chicken pasta is also a good time to pass some gas, but be sure to let the scent of the food marinate in the air prior to cutting the cheese. Eating your food loudly and asking for seconds is a good way to let the airline know that you appreciate their selection of eats.

Step 6
Recline your seat back as far as it will go. Be sure to leave your light on after the cabin lights have been dimmed in case you need to change tampons or grab your 900 watt glow in the dark watch. Put your feet up on the armrest of the person in front of you. Be sure to stretch thoroughly, including your toes before you sleep, otherwise you will have frequent cramps, causing you to toss and turn on the person next to you.

Step 7
Upon arrival at the airport, start packing up your stuff before the plane stops moving, disregarding all announcements on the intercom to remain seated until the plane comes to a complete stop. This way, when it is time to get off the plane, you can be ready to get off before the elderly and the disabled, because you've had a long flight and it is what you deserve.

-vH

John Travolta is pretty ugly.

                                              
Hello my nngrs,
You guys may have noticed I haven't been updating with any real "new material" recently. Well, that's because I've been busy with something else.
A few weeks back, I got news that one of my favorite websites for new reads, PUATraining.com is hiring writers, so in a haste, I contacted them and wrote a sample article for them. For those of you who don't know, PUATraining is a website based in the UK well known for theories of attraction and being a school for people looking to better themselves in their social techniques. It is ran by who I consider to be one of the greatest pickup artists and attraction thinkers around, Richard "Gambler" LaRuina.
The reason for this? Well, some of you might know this, but most of you won't either, but I've been writing on similar topics for some time now; only via one of my personal blogs. I figured this would be a great chance to improve my writing skills, get my pen name out there, and just an overall experience to help out my own game as well.

At any rate, here's the sample article I wrote for PUAT, it is basically a re-spin of a popular article by Swingcat to promote his book online (which has been posted over a dozen times on various boards), but with my own twist to it.

Let’s recap a moment in one of my favorite movies: Pulp Fiction.
Remember that scene where Bruce Willis thought he was home alone, but then finds a submachine gun on the kitchen counter? And then remember John Travolta walking out of the washroom after taking a nice long shit from Jackrabbit Slim’s the night before?
Relate that to your typical night out at the club. Now imagine Bruce Willis was his female counterpart—more hair, less muscles, and a vagina. That’s gotta be one hell of a fine woman. You’re Vincent Vegas. Ever recall walking up to within a few feet of a girl, have a few seconds of awkward silence, only to be shot down like a dog?
I know it’s happened to me before—more times than I can count. Hell, by the end of it all, I used to be terrified by gorgeous women because I didn’t want to end up shot up in the bathtub with Modesty Blaise in my hand.  In short, I played it safe and stopped approaching hot women altogether—disqualifying myself before they even knew I existed.

Granted, beautiful women are a dime a dozen nowadays, but approaching them, let alone getting them to enjoy your company is no easy business for someone who hasn’t the necessary skills.

Basically, it’s like this: all guys approach women for two simple reasons. Tits, and ass.
Men are like vultures when it comes to a fine woman with a nice body and beautiful features; even if she doesn’t utter a single word, she knows she has you hooked, and she knows you’re watching. She also knows you don’t have the balls for a full frontal approach, nor the qualities to make her initiate an approach.
The question now, of course, is how to change that.

Watching average chumps approach attractive women is like watching mosquitoes flying into a giant mosquito magnet. It’s stupid, depressing, and sometimes even funny. Not funny ha-ha though, more like funny I-wish-he’d-just-give-up.
The matter of the fact is, we’re all mosquitoes. Attractive women to us stand out like a bright blue light bulb; we can’t help but wanting to approach. I’m a mosquito too. Except I’d like to think of myself as a giant freak-of-nature-mosquito. Ever watch King Kong? Yeah, like those ones. And unlike my smaller, less intelligent, less unruly comrades, I simply refuse to fall into the trap and end up zapped to a crisp and biting the dust. Instead, I get close enough to just to suck them in.

Point in case, I am now at a nightclub, a place where beautiful women roam and graze freely as far as the eye could see. Naturally, I’d be standing in a crowded area, usually near the bar or near the ladies room.  As a potential target passes by I’d stick out my elbow and make her run into me. Then I would proceed to say something along the lines of “Ow hey, that hurt! Watch where you’re going!”
Now nineteen out of twenty times you do this, you’re going to get a sincere “Oh, I’m so sorry!” as a response. The other girl who just acts out of line, you’ll know to stay away from her because she’s a total psycho.
So there is your opener. It’s definitely something different. Different is good. You see, when a guy finds a woman attractive, the only thing that is racing through his mind is how in the hell he’s going to get her approval. He starts thinking what is it that he could do to impress her. Buy her a drink? Tell her something funny? Everything he tries, he tries to get her approval. By turning the tables however, and having her run into you, what you doing is you are putting yourself in the position where she now has to prove herself to you. Simply picking up from her apology, you can just pop in another line, something like “well, it’s okay, I forgive you, but only if you listen to my quick story,” and then go off on another tangent to tell her something else humorous or interesting.

In a nutshell, what you want to do when you interact with a woman is to first make her acknowledge that you have higher worth than her. Humans are social animals who have the tendency pursue higher values (a car, a better car, a house, etc.). When, and only when you have demonstrated that you have higher value than her, do you have the qualifications to talk to her and to praise her and to acknowledge the values that she has.
In every new social interaction, there is an alpha and there is a beta. In other words, there is one person who is the prize and there is one person who is after the prize. Two people simultaneously after each other are not only seldom in occurrence, but it makes things way too easy. And boring. Your typical bar chump would put the pussy on the pedestal and automatically assume the beta’s role. That’s not what you want to do though. After all, you want to be successful with women, don’t you? Well you can’t be successful with women if you always have to get off your ass and follow them around. Make them come to you, it makes life less complicated.

Now you might be thinking, ‘what’s the point? There are tons of rich, good looking, or popular guys out there, there’s no way to compete with them based on these grounds.’ This is a common misunderstanding. Sure, being wealthy, physically attractive or famous puts you at an advantage to easily attract women, but these in themselves are not enough to get most women on the hook.
So if you toss all of those material regards aside, all you’re left with is the fundamentals of hooking up with women: having the skills and knowledge to evoke emotions and interest.
I could have the funniest pickup line in the world, have the biggest biceps, or drive the fastest car on the block, but without these fundamental skills, I’m not gonna get anywhere with any woman.
I would much rather have a clear understanding of how women operate, with the skills necessary to have women compelled to approach me instead, which is why I have compiled a list of several pieces of fundamental knowledge and skill that are guaranteed to work with any woman, right down to the very art of it. All of these are time tested experiments proven to work, and through literally thousands of approaches, this is your guide to attracting, from involvement to engagement to commitment.

This was more or less of a fast, rough draft I did for PUAT, but it got the job done.
The good news cam yesterday, when I received an e-mail from PUAT, telling me to reroll more articles for them.



-vH

Happy Self-Awareness Day!

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I Love Puppies, Scammers & Shit like that.

Forenote: If you like to bring that PETA bullshit into any matter involving the consumption of animals, suck my dick and read this twice. If not, I do not particularly enjoy oral sex from an individual I am not familiar with.


Basically I've run out of things to write about.
I think my inner Buddhist is beginning to develop because nothing really grinds my shit any more. Maybe I can use this opportunity to convince my parents that I have finally seen the light and get them to buy me a ticket to Europe next summer.

Anyways, a few evenings ago, I saw some spam advertisement by an Egyptian company called "Legit Sales" (don't be a wimp, it's completely legit), selling puppies on various boards, so I decided to take them up on their offer and e-mailed them.
Granted, I don't know shit about purebreds, so I asked John if purebred canines were his expertise and he replies me the next day:

From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 4:26:45 AM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

yes we are selling all kind of puppy you interested to buy which of the puppy do you want to buy? do reply back now so i can let you know more information and how to buy them




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Dear John,

I am interested in buying any of the puppies you have listed in your ad. Price is no objective as long as they taste good.
So far I have consumed seven stray dogs that have wandered into my barn, one baby German Shepherd that my neighbor Edna gave away for free, and an nine year old Doberman (which admittedly, didn't taste so good), and I was wondering which of the puppies you have listed would provide me with the richest culinary experience when pan roasted.
Please do reply me as soon as possible, I plan to keep this as a surprise Valentine's Day dinner for my wife...she has never had an exotic purebred before!

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 3:47:43 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Hello
here are the puppies we have now and the prices

Chihuahua Female (12 weeks) ..$450
Shih Tzu Female (14 Weeks)...$200
Bull Terrier Male (4 Weeks) $500
Lhasa Apso Male (11 Weeks)......$200
Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450
Anatolian Shepherd Female (5 Months) $400
American Eskimo Dog Female (12 Days) $300



which of this do you want

let me know so i can tell you more about them and how to buy it




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Dear John,

As I have mentioned, I am interested in buying whichever puppy that would provide me with the most delicate culinary experience.
I have heard that Eskimo dogs and in particular female Lhasa Apsos are rather delicate in texture, which one would you recommend for a more savory dinner?

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 4:43:38 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female


Breed: .....Chihuahua

Sex: .....Female

Birthdate: ....08-15-2009 (5 weeks)

Price....$500

Shipping area: Worldwide

What's included: Registered/registerable (AKC, NKC, etc.), Current vaccinations, Veterinarian examination, Health certificate, Health guarante

Additional information:

Can you say darling! This little aussiedoodle girl
has lots of white and blue eyes. She is very
pretty and very outgoing. She is affectionate
and pre spoiled. She loves kids, other dogs and
even the cat!



it a very nice one i can also recormed for you


do you like it?

where are you located

do you have yahoo or mes messenger to chat for easy communication




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Dear John,

Would she taste good if I season her with summer savory, rosemary and a little paprika and bake it at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for an hour and a half?

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 6:28:19 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

yes nothing will happen to them in that season




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Dear John,

I am confused at your reply; are you implying that if I were to prepare them with the aforementioned seasonings, the end result will be a tender, generally seasoned and hearty meal?
At any rate, I am inclined to believe that any of the these purebreds will taste better than the stray dog I had last night. I believe he strayed into my barn from Old Sam's barn a couple miles down the road, because the taste wasn't particularly enjoyable and everybody knows Old Sam likes to feed his dogs dried crickets and dilled marshmallows. Just last month in fact, I saw Old Sam flipping over rocks in the old meadow just outside of town hunting for crickets, and when I asked him what he was doing he offered me a sample of his home-pickled crickets. Oddly enough I took up on his offer and tried one of his pickled crickets, and half an hour later I found myself at home listening to the live version of Thank God It's Christmas by Queen while discussing with my wife the merits of sacrificing a goat for a better autumn harvest.

At any rate, I would like to purchase your chihuahua for $500, how would you like to receive your payment?

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 9:03:18 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Ok if you are interested to buy the chihuahua for $500 i can ship direct to your door step through our private shiping Agent or Fedex shipping company

but am asking where are you located you never answer me why?

am from Cairo Egypt can you come over for pick up or you want me to ship to you

we need to confirm 50% upfront payment via western union money transfer ok

so if you ready to buy the chihuahua send us your full shipping details so we can proceed your order




From: Alan VH
To: "John Williams"
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female
Dear John,

I currently have no money, but I will be in Cairo from the 28th to the 5th, do you accept erotic services as a form of payment?
I am experienced in the field and offer a variety of services, including massages with happy endings.
Please let me know.

Regards,
Alan




From: "John Williams"
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 10:26:12 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

???

You're probably thinking I have waaaaay too much time on my hands,
and you're probably right.



-vH

Why I want to be a Drug Dealer.

Once upon a time when I was too lazy to daydream that afternoon, I thought about why drug dealers always get the bad rap. Then I told my mom that I wanted to become a drug dealer. It is to me quite strange that I am the only one who seems to think that a profession providing things that make people happy or ecstatic or both would be one the most satisfying professions on this planet. If sales are good I might even consider converting my closet into a full time opium lab. I later found my mom looking for Nyquil at 2:37 in the morning, but all should go well if I could convince my ma it's a science fair project that I beat up the 6th grade kid up the block for.

Here is a list of the other careers I would be interested in:

A Food Critic
Doing nothing and bossing people around me to make me free food because my opinion means something sounds like something I would enjoy doing. And then when I did my research I found out the average food critic earns $68,000 USD a year. Doing nothing and bossing people around me to make me free food because my opinion means something earning $68,000 USD a year sounds like something I would enjoy doing.

A Sync. Diving Judge for the Olympics
Because I like to give people bad feedback for no reason, this would be an ideal profession for me. I would simply give every diver a 6.9 because it is the number that most closely resembles 69 except it looks like '9' had a little accident, and when asked why, I will say that the toenails of one diver is longer than the other's.

A Pornstar.
It is not gross. It is getting paid to do something pleasurable. Granted, I would probably have to shave my pubic hair bi-weekly to keep my crabs under control, but that is a small price to pay to be able to hand out business cards in the shape of my genitalia.

An Airport Luggage Inspector.
There is little more satisfying than being authorized to destroy somebody's luggage because you don't like the way he looks or dresses. Of course I'm alluding to subtle racism, but what isn't nowadays?

A Call Operator for Koodo Mobile.
This would give me a lot of free time as nobody uses this piece of shit.
Or it would give me a really hard time from all the stupid people using this piece of shit.

A Boss.
Once when I suffered a 48-hour concussion from riding my head into a limped street lamp, I had a dream that I worked a nine to five office job for a pharmaceutical lab doing pharmaceutical stuff to radioactive monkeys. Every morning I would wake up exactly twenty six minutes before I needed to be at work and walk in exactly twelve minutes late into work. I would then proceed to surf the internet for lesbian porn, minimizing my browsing window to the bottom quarter of my computer screen so that nobody would catch me looking at porn as the window is too small to be seen by anybody but me.
If I were the boss this would make the task much easier. In fact, I am much more qualified for his job than he is. To my understanding, his job description consists of pretending to make important phone calls, downloading pornography and distributing blame, all of which things I have years of experience doing. I would also convert my office according to Thai Feng-Shui and probably do drugs, which makes me a more productive boss than he is.

A Hot Dog Vendor
As I get hungry on the job easily, I could simply open the cart and make myself a hot dog. And when bypassers bypass by, they will see me eating my own hot dogs and think 'wow he is eating his own hot dogs, it must be good!' and then there would be no way they would bypass a hot dog from my hot dog cart.

A Journalist.
Then I can write about the types of professions I would rather to be in.





-vH

I LOVE Public Washrooms!

2009. Happy fucking new year. Here is a little food for thought. I hope you don't choke on it.
Basically,
I'm not one of those people who's comfortable enough doing number two in public. And while I have your attention, I don't even like doing my regular business in public if I don't have to. I don't know how some of you do it, but whenever there's somebody else there, my sphincter retracts and slams shut, closing everything in behind it. Granted, sometimes desperate times calls for desperate measures.
And as I sit alone in my little four cornered cubicle taking a doodoo, I couldn't help but let my train of thoughts take its own course.
Before you ask me why all of my ideas seem to come to me while I'm on the shitter, let me ask you this: What else is there to do on the shitter?

It's the way the urinals are positioned. Some washrooms are okay with this because they have urinal dividers. I'm just a regular dude alright? I don't have a liberty dong, but I would still like to have the liberty of exercising my stiff neck every now and then without having my pride crushed under the mass of an outstanding 18 incher.
For the ladies that have no idea what I'm talking about, here is a little visual aid:

This is why regular public washroom protocol requires me to shift down two spots in either direction of an occupied urinal.

I also rather enjoy bathroom stalls. They're way underrated. If you ever have a moment with nothing better to do, go explore some bathroom stalls. 90% of stalls I've ever encountered in public smell kinda funky, but funk is good! About a good quarter of them never have rolls of toilet paper in them. About another good quarter of them often have stains of poo or unidentifiable sticky substances near, or on the seats. Almost all of them have broken locks. Regular bathroom protocol also requires one doesn't use a stall next to an occupied one, just in case you happen to be pushing so hard that you had to bend forward, to come face to face with the guy peeking at you from underneath the next stall. You laugh, but it happens.
In fact, let me go off on a tangent here and say that there was this one kid in high school that was quite notorious for that. Legend has it that he was this fat Chinese midget, oddly enough with pupils the size of swollen cherries, and dressed like he walked fresh out of a Bollywood sci-fi production. Of course there had been talk about beating the kid up, but for the first couple of months, nobody really knew what he looked like or if he really existed at all. And then one lunch hour, the shit hit the fan (not literally, I hope) and I recall seeing a bunch of schoolyard supervisors, as well as the vice principal (if you ever saw that lazy fucker get off his ass, you'd KNOW there were big shit poppin') outside of the second floor washroom. A week or so after that he just vanished as if he never existed.
Back on the topic of public urinals though, look what I found:

I vouch for the immediate installation of these urinals at SFU.
I wouldn't mind pitching in some pocket money for this, screw that United Way bullshit.
Sometimes I don't feel like washing my hands, so when I'm done my business, I head straight out the door. I also make sure to grab the door handle and caress the entire bar several times as I'm making my exit. Sometimes when I can muster one on the spot, I even like to let out a wet squeaky fart to let my grand exit be known to my pee and poop peers.

If we had these here, maybe I'd consider washing my hands more often.
Perhaps the thing I love most about public washrooms though is the smell. Some of them smell like either a block of really good cheese or a plate of really-gone-bad dinner. On rare occasions, you'd run into one that had a nice rosy fragrance. Those are the ones I'd really like to take my time in. In those ones, I also like to hum my own elevator music and pretend I'm in an exclusive toilet lounge of a Dubai resort.
Still on the topic of fragrances, I will shamefully admit to being ridiculously attracted to the smell of toilet soap. I don't know what those Indians put in those soap bars, but they smell oh, so nice. I try to make a sport of it on the days I'm not too lazy to go to school, so if you ever see a guy sniffing the insides of SFU urinals, come say hi.





-vH