Millionaire Matchmaker.

Foreword: This entry contains uncongenial language, and is subject to ridicule if you're one of those idiots that watch the types of shows I'm about to mention. Don't read it if you're a pansy and can't take a proper dose of reality.


Fucking Bravo.
It comes to no surprise that Americans are so materialistic and so fucked up in the head. It's the shit that Bravo has been feeding you. Every time I land on that channel, it's a show about somebody spending a shit ton of money for no apparent reason. Or it's about somebody trying to become the next hottest sensation on network television. What takes the cake though, is Patti Stanger and her reality show The Millionaire Matchmaker. Remember Blind Date? Or The 5th Wheel? All that shit people used to watch back in the day? Well, BravoTV decided to step it up a notch and feature millionaires this time around.

Putting aside the fact that this is a fucking MATCHMAKING show for MILLIONAIRES, who the FUCK is Patti Stanger? Somebody tell me they've heard of this self-conceited, over-opinionated, non-righteous cake-faced of a bitch prior to the airing of Millionaire Matchmaker two years ago. That's right, I did not think so.
Upon reading her biography, I found out this bitch was born in 1961. SIXTY-ONE! For those of you who failed math in high-school, that makes her 48. Forty-eight and never married. Forty-eight, unmarried, and teaching millionaires how to get booty.
Just take a look at her:

She's a roadkill! Who the fuck in their right mind would put their love life into the hands of a disaster like her? For fuck's sakes, I highly doubt even her parents have ever loved her, let alone a man.
How in the fuck then, is the the founder and the CEO of an "elite matchmaking service" in Los Angeles? This shit don't make no god damn sense to me. She says in order for a man to win a "perfect 10", he must first become a "perfect 10" himself, both "internally and externally in order to reach his objective". What a load of bullshit. Who made you the God almighty creator of Venus? I bet she's one of those women who spent their entire lives fantasizing over how to be in a relationship instead of actually living life. Fuck Patti, if you had sniffed a pound of coke that one night like your friends told you to, instead of being the stuck-up conceited bitch that you evidently are, you might actually not be a virgin right now.

Get this: "Stanger has compared herself to Oprah Winfrey, who has been in a long-term, committed relationship but never married."(Source). WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD ATTRIBUTE?! I'd sooner compare myself to that John Travolta faggot than to Oprah. You don't have half the integrity nor controversy to be compared to Oprah, so stop tripping your own ego you fat fucker.

Another thing: why is it that these days, it seems like hosts of American shows are becoming less and less well known, yet they speak from taller and taller pedestals? And don't tell me I'm the only one who has realized this.

Be Honest. How many of these people did you know of before the past five years? And of the ones you do know, how many of you know their claim(s) to fame?

Stanger is the prime example of this. I don't know why a group of ridiculously well off, relatively young, and completely normal men would sit around being bossed around by this bitch. Actually, I wonder why they're even wasting their hard-earned money being her clients in the first place.
It's not like this hoebag even does any real work. All she ever does is go through a "database" of women (who, by the way, are able to get into the database free of charge--only the guys have to pay. Come on, how else is that Patti Stanger of a nobody going to get a list?); and pick out a few "suitable" gold diggers for these desperate millionaires. And then she just sits back and look at the couples interact on fucking camera and give them pointers.
Two, three episodes down the road, they say, "Oh, he's totally not my type!", or "I like him, but I think he's too old."
...Seriously? How many times did you suck his dick in his private jet while he was taking you on a shopping spree in Beverly Hills? How many more times did you let him hit it through the backdoor in that bigass 14th century mansion of his? Come the fuck on.

Stanger apparently even wrote a book some time in this past year, titled "Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate."

Notice how she looks nothing on the cover compared to real life? You think a piece of shit like this would sell if she didn't have an attractive cover?

Why?! What the fuck man? I haven't even read this book, and I don't think I want to either. This is book written by a woman with no real experience in love, no real experience with sex (which is, by the way, not something I would want to write about anyways). A woman who can't even take adequate care of herself. By the way, if I know you, and I ever see you reading this book, I swear to god I'm going to stick my dick in a toaster.
Pfft, 8 steps. I'm a guy, and I'll tell you right now, regardless of how rich or how successful I'll become, you only need THREE steps to be my perfect mate; they're called "Suck my dick", "Play with my balls", and "Make me a sandwich". Capiche?

Hell with this. I want to learn Patti Stanger like Chris Brown learned Rihanna. Except I don't ever want to sleep with her. Perhaps if she paid me a million dollars. Then I'd consider hauling my herpes invested ass down to LA and give her a good nailing.





-vH