So a couple of weeks ago, my friend decided it would be fun to watch all three Spiderman movies, all in one night, all back to back. What a totally terrific idea Jay, that totally made my night!
Now I don't know what kind of sadist would actually enjoy watching the Spiderman movies back to back, particularly since he's seen it like five and a half billion times.
And don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like Spiderman. I love just about all Marvel characters ever created. Except Captain Avenger...I suspect he might be gay. And I would even go as far to say that I wouldn't mind being featured in a kinky comic book sex strip co-starring Stan Lee. It may not be the fondest of my confessions, but hey, at least I'm up front about it.
But this is all beyond the point. I didn't mind watching it at first. But two movies and about ten pounds of popcorn and ice cream sandwiches later, something occurred to me that I had never realized before: Mary Jane Watson is the biggest bitch-whore of a comic book lover EVER.
I can get past the fact that a teenage five-foot-nothing nobody transformed into a human mutate after being bitten by, of all things, a dying radioactive black widow while taking a picture of his dream girl (which wasn't actually what happened, of course. In the original script he was actually orgasming at the sight of a radioactive conductor). I can also get past the fact that both super villains from the first two films were actually the most uncanny of characters (woohoo, right?). And then Venom spawns in the form of a god damn space rock, hitching a ride on the back of Peter's bike; and a man falls into an air particle accelerator and miraculously transforms into a sand mutant.
Yup, I can get past all that.
What I really can't wrap my head around is Mary Jane. She's possibly the biggest skank I've ever laid eyes upon. Ever! And that says a lot. Think about it: in the first movie, she decides, after three years of highschool, that she didn't want to get fucked silly in the eye sockets by the big buff school bully anymore. So she moves on to the rich guy who owns like, half of New York. Keep in mind all of this happened while she's masturbating to Spiderman. And then finally, she dumps the rich guy when his monetary fund daddy dearest passed away (talk about kicking a man who's already down...a true gold digger at work!) and decides to give Peter's cack a ride.
Fast forward to the second movie, and somehow, she goes through another dozen or two of suckers before all of a sudden getting engaged with a big hunky rich astronaut-type guy. Then, on the day of her big expensive wedding banquet, she decides to bail the fuck out after she realizes that Peter is Spiderman (dumb broad, I figured that out within the first ten minutes of the Spiderman I). She ends up with Peter after telling him a bunch of lovey-dovey bullshit.
Why was it all bullshit? Let's fast forward again to the third movie. She apparently sleeps with like eighty-three more guys, while whining and bitching about how Peter's always out saving lives instead of showing up to the threatre and watching her crap-assed shows. (Do people still even watch that kind of shit? I was under the impression that it's all about internet porn and OneClickMoviez nowadays...)
Another thing: why does Peter put up with this shit? I mean, Spiderman can (quite literally) catch any girl he wanted, yet he decides that this walking outbreak of herpes is worth throwing away all his fame and power for. Grow a pair, you stinkin' lousy pansy son of a bitch!
The entire series don't make no god damn sense to me, and this whole thing bothers me to the point where I'm starting to believe everything else in the movie is scientifically quite believable.
-vH
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment